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Search Results 0 to 15 of about 16 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Jan 17, 2013 11:30pm PST
about long-term restructuring of government debt. come on fox news youngsters, benic ron, the rest pinecrest retirement crew. put down the sunny d and fire up the underwood. [ laughter ] thankfully, folks, our constitution has a built-in mechanism to stop democratically elected tyrants from taking our guns and that brings us to tonight's word. [cheers and applause] united we stand off. president obama and his anti-gun storm troopers say it's okay for me to have a pistol. it's okay for me to have a rifle and a shotgun. but it's not okay for me to have military-style weaponry. maybe they've forgotten what the second amendment is. >> the founders feared government tyranny. >> the second amendment is about resistance to government tyranny. >> they never mentioned hunting and deer, they talked about freedom and liberty over tyranny. >> stephen: damn straight. like anybody setting up a new government the founders added a clause that said if you don't like what we're doing, feel free to shoot us. it's like -- [ laughter ] -- the second amendment is like the ultimate veto. it's almost like
Comedy Central
Jan 14, 2013 11:30pm PST
, but down in the bunker, i'm ready for that dark tomorrow when jack-booted government thugs come for our guns. that's where the ghillie suit comes in. let's say the government busts in here looking to arrest me because i'm a gun owner and haul me off to one of those jails where you can't bring your gun. [ laughter ] oh, they have 'em. they already have them set up, okay? the minute they bust down that door, i just do this. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] "hey, where's colbert? >> he's not here. just a pile of grass clippings on his desk. perfectly normal. and i'm home free. you're going to want to get one of these, and not just because it's slimming. [ laughter ] no, tomorrow is the day reich marshal von amtrak has promised to issue his recommendations for gun control. >> i'm going to be submitting to the president a proposal as to how to proceed. i'm shooting for tuesday. we all know there's no silver bullet. >> stephen: you hear that? [ laughter ] they're taking away our silver bullets. how will we defend ourselves from werewolf bandits?! [ laughter ] so with our guns under attack w
Comedy Central
Jan 15, 2013 11:30pm PST
when population grew. >> stephen: what do you mean recently? >> first state government was 5400 years ago in the fertile crescent and in large parts of united states, rural areas we're living largely traditional today. >> stephen: there are parts of united states that live as we lived 5,000 years? >> there are parts of the united states where some things. >> we went to montana we spend our vacation. if there's an argument between neighboring ranchers they don't call in lawyers or the police they settle it themselves as people did traditionally. >> stephen: would you call them primitive or original societies -- societies? >> it's no longer politcally correct to say primitive. >> stephen: thensay primitive. the guys with the bones through the nose. we don't play it safe on this show. what can i learn from them. i'm the one with the civilization, shouldn't they be learning from me? >> they can learn before you but they bring up your children to be independent, self confident socially skilled. >> stephen: my children are independent. they have iphones. can i get them when i need to. they
Comedy Central
Jan 21, 2013 11:30pm PST
of influenza virus." nation, we must quarantine our children immediately. [ laughter ] the government must put up buildings to sequester them. we'll group them by age, and keep them there during high activity hours, say from 8:00 to 3:00. [ laughter ] bus them if we have to! [ laughter ] but locking up your kids to avoid the flu doesn't mean you're safe. >> a new strain of a virus is quickly spreading across several countries including the united states where folks are calling it: the winter vomiting bug. >> stephen: yes, the winter vomiting bug! far worse than the spring vomiting bug, which at least gets you in shape for bikini season. [ laughter ] that's affecting scores of americans come from? jolly old england! hmm, who do we know from england who was recently vomiting? >> her royal highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days. now we learn, the duchess of cambridge is hospitalized for severe vomiting. >> stephen: threat number 4: kate middleton! [ laughter ] she's princess zero! typhoid queen mary! her royal hurl-ness! [ laughter ] thanks to kate, this winter vomiting bug co
Search Results 0 to 15 of about 16 (some duplicates have been removed)